My life as of late in one post

I’m reading this new book called blueberries. It’s like little nuggets of essays about being a woman. And what it means to be melancholy and happy at the same time. For me. What it means to be real about sadness and vulnerability, while also being able to fill my life with so much joy. I’ve had thoughts about when people say I seem sad. It’s because I was showing that side of myself to the public because this is how I learned, by looking at what was actually making me sad and healing from it, forgiving, opening my heart to it so I could move on and grow. But the thing about the internet is people think you are one way. You show up and tell a story and there is no other story interwoven into that, not like real life. Real life there are many meanings, creations, stories happening all at once. Look at any sitcom where everything goes wrong because the main character lied and how this affects multiple peoples stories. Now that’s a good storyteller. In truth, we all can’t be that way on socials. We can try, but there are always parts that are woven together at different times, one character of the story that comes in at the beginning and the end and has everything to do with the middle. I hope to one day feel like a good storyteller.

I’m a talker. I can tell a story but writing one is different. And sometimes I add in details that don’t matter at all. But because I can’t separate myself from myself I don’t hear or look for the parts of the story that don’t make sense. I can’t even remember what I just said. Listening back I don’t feel captivated by the beginning of the story because I’ve heard it all before, I’ve lived it and suffered over and and now I’m over it. It seems mundane, my life, to me. Everything in this moment feels like struggle and once you’re through the struggle you don’t believe you have done something great but instead just focus on the next thing that is struggle. Oh, the life of an artist, human, person. (And now I am sitting here wanting to tell you that’s not how I feel all the time, this feels relevant to the sitcom, to life on social. This piece of literature isn’t my only truth. It’s one of many.) We freely choose which emotions to hang onto and we, as a collective, choose to listen to the ones that bring us so much pain. On the one hand, it’s powerful because it causes major change, if there is someone else to witness it. On the other side, it causes those with overwhelm to lash out, burst open… not in a good way. Hello anger, my old friend. Thankful for all the witnesses in my life. And thank you Freud for bringing this concept of a witness to me so I could write about it. 

So my story seems jumbled but it's clear that it is THE story. The pivot(al) moment(s). The one that creates the irresistible offer. If only I could sit down long enough to write it all out. The purpose for each moment so I could call myself a good storyteller.

2020

The world ends and we all have a huge awakening. Of self and life. I spend hours in my room, crying and grieving an old self. Releasing anger and shifting my mindset. I transform and quantum leap. I’m fitness training and I begin my coaching online journey. I close my yoga studio and embark on a new life.

2021

I sell my highest month being a Mindset and manifestation coach.

I decide to say yes and have one of the most exciting years of my life. I get my first camera from my mentor Eric morales, I shadowed him through commercial and magazine gigs. He tells me to take 100 photos a day and I will learn everything I need to know about my camera. I take photos of anything, friends, families, lovers, and I share it all on socials. I trade with women for acupuncture and I get paid every once in awhile. I book my first wedding. I am now a wedding photographer. It is my new personality. I am not the photographer who is going to tell you I shot photos in highschool: I took photo and ceramicas and liked ceramics more. I still have old photos of when we made our own cameras. I am going to tell you when I released my inner critic, the thing I wanted most in the world was plain to see. I wanted to be an artist.

2022

I meet my bestie, Brooke. I assist her at weddings and actually learn the wedding industry. She tells me she is so glad I'm not meta in the wedding industry. I think I am glad too. I don’t use instagram wedding photos for inspiration, and then I do. I lose myself for a moment in all of it. I make it my first year with a team (a CPA and me hha) as a wedding photographer. It’s looking up. I get better at editing, learn a lot from youtube and self study, aka doing the task over and over, making mistakes and taking risks. People like it. I struggle and get confused, but I am still choosing to be Jenna, The Wedding photographer. I get married. I travel with my friends and have the best birthday. I take a ton of photos and spend a lot of money. I get a little depressed after my honeymoon when the full “losing self” period is in swing. I slowly come back and stop looking at instagram for inspiration. I start baking and reading like it’s my job.

2023

I start asking more questions about who I am and what my art is doing. What message it’s sending. What message do I want to send? Who are my clients, the ones I get and who get me? I find them! It’s so clear. I’ve been attracting them all along because my work has always had the same focus. My art has stayed true to self. I’m lucky to not have grown up with all the peers and their negative words about art lingering over me at all times. I wasn’t ever put into a box so my work could be whatever it wanted to be.I receive major validation for my website and my work. I feel seen. I hurt my back and become a floor person for two weeks. I transform again. The pivot(al) moment. I am full of clarity. I start “actually” building a business. I plan a retreat and post the dates (soon). I start creating a membership program for other artists and creatives. I want life to be a little boring. I’m leaning into patience for the first time in my life. I am starting to feel like it’s all making sense, again, even if only for fleeting moments.

If this teaches you anything, I hope it is that life is a fookin’ rollercoaster but you choose in every moment, who you are and what you are here for. And following those dreams is ALWAYS worth it.